The Backstory of Our Favorite Drink – Coffee

The Backstory of Our Favorite Drink – Coffee

By |2019-05-20T17:02:50+00:00May 2nd, 2019|Blog|0 Comments

I was recently doing some research on superfoods for my other blog, and when I say “superfoods”, I don’t mean just immunity-boosters. No siree Bob, your girl isn’t writing about anything boring like that. Cuz, let’s be honest, we pretty much heard it all on that field. However, superfood subject doesn’t have to be boring, if we just add a twist to it. So, let’s do it like a modern reality TV star – add sex and make a mess… That was my train of thoughts when I started Googling (and ogling!) “libido-boosting sex foods”.

I gotta be honest with you, I never eat more than half of the stuff I found on those websites. Who in their right mind eats asparagus, saffron and oysters on daily basis? However, there was one thing I kept seeing on most of these websites – coffee. It was there mostly as an “honorable mention”, since it is not food. It turns out that the morning cup of joe we love and cherish so much, loves us right back! Lemme explain… Coffee boosts blood flow to the female genitals. In fact, some scientists believe that women who have coffee just once a week, have enhanced sex drive. Furthermore, because it increases blood flow to the genitals, coffee also decreases erectile dysfunction symptoms in men. In conclusion, coffee makes you horny AND gives you a healthy wood. What more could you ask from a drink?


Needless to say, my train of thoughts continued in its own weird direction… We can all assume how alcoholic drinks were discovered.  Some 9,000 years ago or so, someone left some fruit in a cave for a long time, and it got fermented. People decided to taste the funny-smelling beverage, got tipsy, loved it and yippee ki-yay, it’s 2019 and booze is still most people’s favorite party-starter. But what about coffee? What kind of otherworldly force compelled someone to cook bunch of seeds that pretty much look like goat-poop (don’t ask how I know about the goat-poop)? I mean, the person who suddenly decided to do that had to be on acid!… Not really tho…

Apparently, no one really knows how coffee was discovered, which doesn’t surprise me at all. However, there is an old Ethiopian legend that could provide some insight or possible explanation. You know how you can pay to determine your ethnicity percentages? You probably have a friend named Chad who did it and started telling everyone that he is 3% African-American, so he is now quoting Kendrick Lamar fifty times a day. Does that ring a bell? We all have that friend. Anyway, if coffee did that test it would probably show that it’s 93% Ethiopian. According to numerous sources, coffee forests first started growing on the Ethiopian plateau. The legend says Kaldi, the goat herder, was the first to discover the miraculous effects of coffee. Get it, goat-poop and goat herder? I foreshadowed it – Game of Thrones style. Anyway, the legend says that Kaldi dude discovered coffee when he realized that after munching on the berries from a particular tree, his goats became energized and did not want to sleep. Boom! Goats are kinda awesome.

Kaldi later reported his revelation to the abbot of the nearby monastery. Abbot made a drink with the said berries and discovered that it kept him attentive through the hours of long evening prayer. The abbot was a chatty fellow, so he shared the discovery with others. People always loved to gossip, even thousands of years ago, so the word about the magical berries reached the Arabian Peninsula, and the cultivation and trade of coffee began there. Coffee became very popular, and the pilgrims who visited the holy city of Mecca every year, spread the story of “wine of Araby”. That’s kind of unfair, right? I mean, if the chatty abbot only kept his mouth shut maybe the story would be spread from Ethiopia and coffee would be called the “wine of Ethiopia”. History, so full of injustices… Anyway, coffee made it to Europe in 17th century, and some people reacted to it by naming it the “bitter invention of Satan”. Needless to say, those people are the equivalent of soy boys of today. Despite the controversy, coffee quickly started gaining fans in Europe, and it later spread to America and further. And that’s the story about the origin of coffee.

I remember reading somewhere that Elon Musk use to chug gallons of coffee to keep himself at the top of his game. That dude launched Tesla AND SpaceX. If that doesn’t tell you how awesome coffee really is, I don’t know what does…Also, I kinda have a thing for Elon Musk. On a more unrelated note, he probably stopped chugging coffee when he dated Grimes. I don’t have any other explanation for that episode.

The point is, people love coffee, and they’ve been loving it for thousands of years now. Thomas Jefferson, one of our most popular presidents, said that “coffee is the favorite drink of civilized world.” That tells us two things. First of all, Thomas Jefferson never met me, and secondly, coffee is truly terrific. David Lynch, one of the greatest directors of all time said that “even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.” However, one other great director didn’t quite agree. Orson Welles said that “there are three intolerable things in life – cold coffee, lukewarm champagne, and overexcited women.” On the other hand, this is my post and I don’t have to agree with either of them. The award for the quote of this post goes to one of my favorite writers.

“What do you want?

“Just coffee. Black – like my soul.”

-Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

PS. There isn’t really an award. I just drank too much coffee, so I’m hyped.

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